Friday, 24 October 2014

Train Announcements

Train announcements can be embarrassing, especially where the announcer thinks he's a comedian or a disc jockey.

Yes. The buffet calls are over the top. We know what a buffet sells but it is nice to know when it's open.

Many announcements "please don't forget your luggage"  or "please mind the gap between the train and the platform" or "please mind the step" are largely to avoid delays because of abandoned (suspect) items, delays because of trips and slips or are disclaimers to avoid legal actions. The first thing asked by lawyers after an incident will be if warnings were given. If not then the rail company gets its arse sued off. The staff get pulled up by their bosses if they don't make these announcements.

One or two announcers are definitely too fond of the sound of their own voices though.

I liked "We are now arriving at Southampton, those of you getting off here have only yourselves to blame."

And once, when I was running a driver only train early announced "We are arriving at Euston 5 minutes ahead of schedule. I am sorry for the convenience."


"A reminder to passengers that smoking is not allowed on this service and that includes WHACKY BACCY !" after I got wafts of cannabis in my driving cab.


Off topic. An email from a recently divorced friend:

"When first pleasuring a woman I am like a butterfly lapping nectar from a flower. By the end I am like a Rottweiler eating a bowl of porridge."

Thursday, 16 October 2014


If we're infecting two care workers for every patient then clearly the best treatment for Ebola is a flame thrower.

Sunday, 5 October 2014


Last night the breaking news was "A little girl killed by dog." I said to wifey "Mark my words. That'll be a pitbull."

And so it was. Wearily predictable.

We all know what a nasty dog looks like (even though many of them aren't) So often the purpose is status and to intimidate which are the wrong reasons for owning a dog and - along with face and neck tattoos - make for an unpleasant and uncivilised atmosphere even where the owners are alright.

As it happens I have yet to see a Mr Tattoo Face help out at a charity event. Maybe a biker's bash where they're getting more out of it than the 'charity' - the whole point of that look is a don't-mess-with-me thing.

This is highly impolite and unfriendly.

I propose that a period of grace is given - say one dog generation, thereafter all powerful status breeds are put down at birth. Only those for police/military work should be allowed. These things just create too much unease and unhappiness - including for the owners themselves. These dogs give the owners social advantages and privileges that they have not earned and don't deserve - in fact it's often the tax payer funding them.

The six-month old girl was attacked at 10.30pm on Friday while being cared for by a relative, file picture